Disclaimer: This post is of no interest to men. I promise. And I warned you.

When it comes to my weight, I’m vain. I admit it. With the normal size of my chest, I’ve always had to be skinnier because my chest made me look bigger than I really am. I’ve always been one of those “I just need to lose five pounds” kind of girls. Then I became that women, then I hit my 30’s, and I loved my body. It was a perfect size for me. Then I got pregnant and gained over 60 pounds. I lost the weight, but wasn’t where I wanted to be. So then I got pregnant with the Baby Hulk and decided I would try and pump breastmilk to lose weight. The fact that it helped my NICU baby at the time was a bonus. But really, it was a pain and the only reason I continued was the rapid weight loss I experienced. And when I had No David, it was the same way. I could eat whatever I wanted, pump a ridiculous amount of milk, dump whatever milk might be tainted with alcohol and be skinny and have food for my baby.

I don’t particularly enjoy pumping milk, but I could never bring myself to actually breastfeed despite all of my friends doing it and loving it. Live with this chest your whole life and see if you want a baby hanging on it for even one second. So vain me pumped so much milk that I lost a ton of weight, could workout and keep it off and eat whatever I wanted. I assumed it would be this way again.

What a bad assumption. And here is the annoying part of me…it’s day four and despite giving birth to a seven pound baby, a placenta and starting to pump, I’ve lost five pounds. WTH? Yes, I am already stressed and Lance had the nerve to say it was because I ate a bunch of cupcakes at the hospital. So not the thing to tell me. Then he said I should eat like he does for QWL, and I would see results. (Not that he was saying I wasn’t losing weight fast enough, he just didn’t want to hear me complain.)

I am pumping and engorged. I’ve pumped two days and am not making a dent. Did turning 40 really make the difference in milk supply and weight loss? Okay, it’s only day four, but still….I am more than frustrated right now. To make matters worse, I am now having to call the creepy lactation consultants for help. Here’s a thought to make more women want to breastfeed, (because despite the fact that everyone I know does it, the overall numbers are super low), find consultants that aren’t creepy. Is it a job requirement to be a creepy 50 to 60 year old woman? I have searched for answers online to no avail and if things don’t get better in a few days, because right now the pain level from being engorged makes me feel nothing from my C-section, I will be calling them for help.

I am waiting for any sign that things are going to be normal as far as recovery goes…night sweats- I have none, milk- it would appear I have nothing but boobs bigger than your worst national geographic image, at least 12 pounds weight loss in week one? Anything would be nice.

So maybe I’m freaking out a bit early, but like I said I am super vain about weight. Plus, my chest really needs some relief in the form of milk release! So I am now praying asking for relief. I would have never predicted that prayer would come from my lips!