Could there have been a worse month than January 2012?  I won’t list all the things that happened, but let’s just say there were a lot of things that really sucked.  A lot.

Okay, who thought I wasn’t going to mention the sewer line?  I have to because that did get worse.  Saturday evening after we thought all was fixed, my mom mentioned that the half bath toilet wasn’t flushing.  Sunday morning, we noticed more issues in the yard.  Monday my yard was dug up again, in a new spot.  So now, my entire yard looks like crap.  That said, we don’t have to go to Jessica’s house anymore to crap.  Which is a good thing.

Of course, I did get hit by a Metro bus on Monday afternoon.  So there’s that too.

Yes, there was good.  And today when the Baby Hulk read his daily reflection, I was reminded that God is always with me.  Always.  I know this.

My friend recently suffered a miscarriage.  She was sad, but at the heart of it she trusted in God and His will.  And they weren’t just words coming out of her mouth.  She meant them.

I can’t stop thinking of her words: He has never let me down.  I have to trust in Him.

Tuesday evening I was telling her about all the stress I was feeling, especially Monday night.  I might have been a bit frantic.  I was running around the kitchen lifting my shirt and asking anyone to check my back for shingles.  I was absolutely positive they were coming back.  And I was positive I couldn’t handle that stress.  And I really wanted a Xanax.  I joke a lot about taking Xanax, but in reality I only take it when I fly (heavy doses), big family events or I know I am about to lose it.

Monday qualified as a “losing it” event.  Except you can’t take Xanax when you’re pregnant.

No, this isn’t some big reveal.

I am not pregnant.  But I could have been.  We do practice Natural Family Planning.  We’re open to life, we don’t use birth control, BUT we’re hoping God is with us and doesn’t think we can handle anymore children.

I assume after Monday night, He’s on board with our plans.

In the middle of my rant Monday evening, I started wailing about not being able to take a Xanax because “what if we were pregnant…and how could we live like this for the next X years.”  It was quite the scene.

I told my friend the story and she reminded me that in doing God’s will, I was turning it over to Him and trusting in Him to do what is best for our family.  I felt calmer at that and was again brought to her words that He has never let me down.

He hasn’t.  I know that whatever has happened, good and bad, He has been there.  And will be there.  He knows what is best for us.  In all things, including our family size.

It’s hard to have that faith, especially when most of our friends are telling us over and over to just get a vasectomy.  Most people do something to prevent pregnancies, including most Catholics.  While I know the intentions are good, (and am not bothered by what other people do) it does get a bit frustrating to explain our feelings again.

After the month I’ve had, I’m really focusing on turning it over to Him.  And begging just a little that February holds a bit more hope than January did.  And also that Metro gets it together soon and pays for the damage.